Thank You For (not) Asking…

It breaks my heart to write this post, but it seems… expedient.

Over the last couple years most of my close friends who have been actively writing and submitting with me since near the beginning have sold. Some of them are on their third and fourth books to go out into the world published.

This, to me, is a reason to be joyous. A reason to celebrate.

And yet, not a month goes by that someone doesn’t slyly try to hint at – if not out-and-out ask me – how I feel about being the last girl sitting in the unpublished section.

First, let me clarify. I have tons of unpublished friends as well. I have friends who write slower because that’s their style or because of their writing/life balance. I have friends who don’t submit aggressively. I have friends who write for hobby. And I do have a few friends from the beginning who write and submit as aggressively as I have who aren’t published. I’ve also met several people along the way in the same boat. Those are their stories to tell though.

But, many, many of my friends who write and submit at the same level of ambition as I do have sold. Many of my closest friends are published authors (either because they were when we met or they became published after that). I have two friends who have gotten the dream contracts – those ones you don’t ever expect to know someone who gets one, let alone earn for yourself.

And so, sometimes I am in rooms at conferences surrounded by amazing women who are amazing writers and have amazing books on the shelf. I’ve sat around having drinks and laughing and realized that I have no idea how I’d gotten into a certain room since I was literally the only unpublished person in it. Apparently, no one checked my ID.

I am blessed.

Blessed to know those people.

Blessed that they couldn’t care less that I’m not published

And yes, blessed that I couldn’t care less that they are published.

You see, other people’s successes don’t bother me. They don’t shame me. They don’t hurt me. They don’t even motivate me. Other people’s successes don’t really have a lot to do with me… or you.

So, when people ask, “How does it feel to be the one not published?” I know they are really asking, “Are you jealous? Does it hurt your friendships?”

Darlings, if we cannot rejoice in the joy of our friends, then our lives and our attitudes have become to small.

Am I Pollyanna? Nope. There is a certain book that has been highly successful that is a joke among my friends because it grates on me. It grates because I think it is sub-par. I don’t know the writer, but I think it’s great she is having success… I just really don’t like the book.

And there is a huge difference. Because, it is possible to dislike a product without having harsh feelings toward it’s creator.

I’ve been wondering as I’ve seen all the meltdowns online lately if some of it is caused by this… this feeling of competition where none truly exists. If the pressure to succeed has tainted relationships so far, that writers feel the brunt force of it from every direction. That the lashing out is a defense mechanism against the hurt of other people’s successes.

If it’s that pressure that has people asking (or hinting) about this.

In the world of writing, the only measuring stick you should have is yourself. If you’re not getting it done, don’t blame your lack of success on being left behind. Look and see what you need to change, grow or do more of. True, sometimes the best of writers with the most wondrous of stories is overlooked (let’s all pretend that’s me, k?) But, usually, when I think about what needs to happen to get my book on the shelf, the answer isn’t:New Yorkneeds to stop buying such-and-such so they can buy me – It’s, I need to A B C and sometimes Q more.

Yes, sometimes that is hard. Sometimes I do feel behind. But, is it my friends’ fault? Or the industries? Or do I just need to continue getting my butt in the chair and working for what I want? I’m going to go with that last one.

By keeping focused squarely on myself, it allows me to honestly rejoice with my friends and colleagues in their successes.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Edit Cards

Let’s try this again… apparently, when I hit post yesterday, only the first sentence posted. SORRY

 

People ask about the edit cards all the time. A month doesn’t go by when someone doesn’t ask about them.

So, knowing they were on my 2012 goals list, I pulled them out last week to take a look at them to see if they’d be a fun gift to give to my writer friend Abby Mumford for her birthday –> and let’s be honest. Edit Cards are a gift only a writer could love.

But, after playing with them a few hours, I had a group of 50 that looked good enough to give to a friend.

Now, I’m going to pass them on to a few people for opinions. It’s always good to see if anything you use could be bettered.

If you don’t know about the edit cards, click the edit card tag. I blogged on them several times when I just started making them. They really helped me figure out what editing and revisions were all about, get through my first books, and organize my thinking & process.

Now the question I get a lot is, Are you going to sell them?

I don’t know. I have some things I’d have to do before I even considered that. I did use them before when teaching a small writing gig on the side and they were a hit, so maybe down the line. We’ll see.

So, there’s your Edit Card Update…and Abby’s birthday. Poor Abby with the working gift

The First Week – Let the Silliness Begin!

I struggled with what to call this post. Things like, Learning to Date or Finding Mr. Right, came to mind. But those all felt silly. Ok, the whole thing feels a little silly.

But, in my life, that’s par for the course.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out my New Years [Happy New Year ->OR<- I Didn't See That Coming]  post about how I got sucked into a Get Out There And Date Till You Find Mr. Right pact.

My knee-jerk reaction was the same thing it is when someone “catches me” reading a romance: Justify, justify, justify.

But, here’s the truth: I’m a woman in my 30s. I’ve done a lot, traveled, gone to grad school, created a great life and wonderful circle of friends, I have a career and I’m pursing the dream of publication. I’m by no means “desperate” to find a guy to fill some void (I’m actually actively considering where the space for a solid relationship should come from).

When a man reaches this point in his life and says, You know what? I’d like to find the right girl and get married – he’s “matured” he’s ready to “settle down”. When a woman reaches the same point, she’s become “desperate”.

And so, breaking that misconception I’m going to not only keep with the group, but continue blogging about it all year. For a couple reasons:

• Yes, because there is nothing wrong with women who have created full, great lives wanting to be married to the right guy.
• It’s an opportunity to hangout with girlfriends. With those full lives, we just don’t see each other as often as we’d all like.
• To get to go out and do fun stuff.
• Because you guys got such a kick out of every other havoc filled part of my life (um, Boss Cowboy anyone? Setting myself on fire? Should I even continue listing them?) I thought it would be fun to give a little back for my readers’ enjoyment (read: suck you in to this journey too. I expect dating stories in return!)
• My books may tackle some hefty topics, but they’re still rom coms! What better way to research than to share my adventures and findings here!
• Because, if I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it all the way.

Like any good nerd, I went out and started researching. I picked up, Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call Back.

Armed with her Harvard MBA, Rachel embarked on a fascinating 10-year research project to decipher this puzzle.  In Have Him at Hello, she applies her business savvy to the dating world by conducting in-depth “exit interviews” with 1,000 single men, asking why they called back one woman, but not another.  By refusing to accept the post-date brush-off like “There wasn’t any chemistry…” or the excited, but equally vague evening recap, “We hit it off!”  Rachel extracted unabashedly honest and raw details. 

I thought it looked funny and fun. Right up my alley. But to be honest (while it was both of those things) it was also fascinating. The writer in me thinks every woman who writes books with relationships in them should read it.

Also, my housemate Wine Guy kept nodding as I read facts out lout do him. Basically, as a grad thesis thing, this woman talked to 1000 guys about why they didn’t make a second date. Some of it was absurd. Some of it was interesting. A little of it was disheartening. All of it was from a guys point of view.

So, with my first homework done (Oh, don’t you worry. The trip to the library has more books sitting on my TBR pile!) I headed out to our first Eves’ Night Out: Tuesday Night Trivia. Refresher: we decided to do it every Tuesday in January as our first month kick-off.

The MC was great. Funny, nice, kept things moving. The bar had great food and drinks. Wasn’t too dark or too loud. We were told it was an extremely light night and definitely to come back by the waitress.

The guys were… not so much. There were three options:

1. There with their girlfriends
2. Too young
3. Um, no.

Let me clarify the Um, no category for this particular Tuesday night… The name of their team was: Hand Models in search of Hand Jobs.

Yeah.

Seriously.

Um, no.

Oh! We did get approached once: By a 60 year-old drunk-off-his-butt guy. He sat one table away for thirty minutes watching us in one of those uncomfortable stare kind of ways. Then he wove his way over (yes, he was drunk enough to weave for the two steps to our table) and asked if he could sit with us. No. Just for a minute? No. I’ll be quiet. I’ll just sit there and watch you and you won’t even know I’m here. No! No! Noooooo.

Also an Um, no.

To be honest, it was exactly the type of night I expected. I doubt I’ll meet someone in a bar, but I could always be wrong.

That being said. It was a great night and that’s all that mattered. I’m only close with 1/2 the group, so it was fun to get to know one of the other girls better.

And so, in my journey to get out more, have fun, hangout with girlfriends and maybe meet Mr. Right, that’s week one for you folks.

It’s your turn to tell me your favorite Um, no approach. Go on! You know you want to

Don’t worry, I’m sure the ridiculousness level will only go up from here!
kissy-kissy,
Brie